I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
