...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
