Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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