The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
