ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
