You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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