forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
