1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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