my being single is dangerous.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
