You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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