Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
