Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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