She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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