The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
