You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
