My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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