Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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