ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
