i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
