I checked into jail on foursquare
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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