he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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