Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
