I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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