apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
