before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
