you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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