I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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