I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
