everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
