hotel room ftw
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
