my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
