Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
