I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
