nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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