We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
