when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
