Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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