I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
