Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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