Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This girl is more easily done than said...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
