Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
