He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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