I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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