from now on my penis is your penis
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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