I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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