i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You were trust falling into bushes
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
