I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
