I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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