He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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