What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
