On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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