The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
